during my short twenty two years i have had few moments of true contentment. most of my time has been spent reflecting on and striving to obtain satisfaction. a satisfaction that i acknowledge is rooted in the lord but still feel like i have to force.
after a lengthy period of brooding followed by some heavy spiritual reflection (and a few cervezas) i do eventually grasp something outside myself and am put somewhat at ease. heck, there are moments when i feel totally complete and satisfied in the beauty that has been graciously bestowed upon my life.
but that is soon replaced. i begin to overanalyze. my mind starts to grind on every aspect and little detail. i begin to weigh the different circumstances and expectations that have come to exemplify my life. that is when faith and confidence abandon me. that is when joy escapes.
in a novel i once read a mother described her daughter when she was a young girl. she claimed that her daughter did not like white and would spend hours sobbing as she worked her way through her coloring books as she tried to fill in the white. the girl was sobbing because she could see that she would never be done; that her whole life would be spent in the hopeless task of filling in the white. she found it necessary to fill in the white. to color in the issues. to fill in the lines in order to ignore the truth.
much like the little girl i have this need to be in control. i seem to be submitting to the will of man rather than the will of god. constantly i seem to be filling in the white of my life not for christ’s glory but for my own. the only way to fill in the white spaces is to live through the lord. our life in him will provide the colors necessary to fill our lives.
but this hard. it is hard to give up control and die to a life of faith. but it is harder to live a life without christ. a life in which weariness reigns and rest impossible.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Hi! Got your comment on my blog :) Texas is good. Kinda cold today - I was enjoying the 80 degree weather earlier this week and last week, and now we have a cold front. Boo. I haven't gotten my invitation from Jess and James yet, so I'm actually not sure when their wedding date is (last I heard it was gonna be in May sometime). If it's close to graduation I might be able to swing it, otherwise I will be at graduation so I will see y'all then! :)
we are more alike than i thought.
man, what if we actually took joy in filling in the white? what if we saw our life not as a stressful chore, but as a gift meant to bring us peace and fulfillment?
Beautiful insights, Kimmy. I admire your spirituality. Mine has been sort of dead lately, but there's always room for growth.
I'm glad you found my blog! We can be blog buddies now. You're a great writer too, which is a plus!
Post a Comment