ragamuffin

Why am I afraid to dance, I who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter? Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living colors of the earth and sky and sea? Why am I afraid to love, I who love love?

-- eugene o'neill

2 Corinthians 1:3-7

Well apparently it’s going to be one of those days. One of those days in which you just throw up your hands and say whatever. No matter how hard you try or rely or whatever it just never seems enough.

These are the days when I most feel that the reformed church has totally manipulated my mind into something that gravitates towards depression. Yes I understand the beauty of grace but it’s hard to feel valued by Christ when you remember that you are totally depraved and a degenerate to boot.

Anyway like I said it’s been one of those days. So instead of moping I thought I get a quick emotional lift by listening to some tunes. And what comes up? “Born to Late” by The Clarks. Great. This is soon followed by the “Green Fields of France” by the Dropkick Murphy’s and “Stuck in Between Stations” by the Hold Steady. No lie. This was then followed by Third Eye Blind’s “Jumper.”

Needless to say the music is now off. Ugh.

Anyway here is a video of Western PA’s timeless rockers The Clarks. Enjoy.

what has happened to all your joy? – gal. 4:15

during my short twenty two years i have had few moments of true contentment. most of my time has been spent reflecting on and striving to obtain satisfaction. a satisfaction that i acknowledge is rooted in the lord but still feel like i have to force.

after a lengthy period of brooding followed by some heavy spiritual reflection (and a few cervezas) i do eventually grasp something outside myself and am put somewhat at ease. heck, there are moments when i feel totally complete and satisfied in the beauty that has been graciously bestowed upon my life.

but that is soon replaced. i begin to overanalyze. my mind starts to grind on every aspect and little detail. i begin to weigh the different circumstances and expectations that have come to exemplify my life. that is when faith and confidence abandon me. that is when joy escapes.

in a novel i once read a mother described her daughter when she was a young girl. she claimed that her daughter did not like white and would spend hours sobbing as she worked her way through her coloring books as she tried to fill in the white. the girl was sobbing because she could see that she would never be done; that her whole life would be spent in the hopeless task of filling in the white. she found it necessary to fill in the white. to color in the issues. to fill in the lines in order to ignore the truth.

much like the little girl i have this need to be in control. i seem to be submitting to the will of man rather than the will of god. constantly i seem to be filling in the white of my life not for christ’s glory but for my own. the only way to fill in the white spaces is to live through the lord. our life in him will provide the colors necessary to fill our lives.

but this hard. it is hard to give up control and die to a life of faith. but it is harder to live a life without christ. a life in which weariness reigns and rest impossible.

snow day

It is currently around eight thirty this morning. My clinic experience was once again canceled due to the weather. And once again instead of doing actual work I am blogging. And once again I will probably follow that up by watching the Today Show and Sports Center. Wonderful.

Anyway…

I started to read the late William C. Placher’s work Narratives of a Vulnerable God. I got this book through ILL after it was suggested to me by the oh-so-wise and future Geneva chapel speaker Michael Sider-Rose. As of late this issue of being vulnerable and open to suffering has been on my heart. I have read a couple of works that suggest God’s vulnerability and suffering (Now and Then – Buechner, Lament for a Son – Wolterstorff, The Four Loves – Lewis), but this is the first work I have encountered that entirely focuses on this theme.

So far Placher has argued that only a God weak in power but mighty in love can be strong enough to take on the entire world’s pain and die on the cross. What an interesting concept. Today’s society it is all about power. Power over ourselves, each other, and situations beyond our control. Christians especially tend to create themselves in the image of a God that is all powerful rather than a God moved by grace.

Placher suggests that while God is powerful, he is also suffering and vulnerable. That constantly God is enduring the pain, falleness, and lovelessness of humanity and is vulnerable in his continuous love towards a sinful, rejecting, rebellious people.

Personally, I hate being vulnerable. I find it is easy to close myself off and barricade my fears and failures from others. Often we inwardly hide that which we are suffering, but in order to achieve the beauty that is rooted in God’s grace we have to become open. We have to share our selves and our burdens. C.S. Lewis wrote that “to love at all is to be vulnerable.” To love is to reveal our true selves and risk exposing our true nature.

So far the book has captivated my interests. I will let you know more as I do.

Also I forgot to mention the most glorious bit of news I have had in weeks - my grad apps are finally done! Woot woot!