but drops of grief can ne'er repay the debt of love i owe

well it is week eight. two whole months. wow.

as some of you know i was not happy with my clinical practicum at the beginning of the semester. a lot of nerves, loneliness, and a less than ideal placement put me in quite a funk. dreams of graduation and my roomies were all that kept me from loading up my car and driving back to vegas.

providentially i sifted through some old journal entries from my semester in pittsburgh and came across a prayer that i had written at the beginning of my internship. the prayer asked god to grant me the ability to reveal his love to the refugee population i met at gplc. i prayed to embrace this fringe population and just smother them with the beauty that can be found in christ.

interestingly the prayer was birthed out of feelings that are similar to that which i felt at the beginning of the current semester.

after reading the prayer i decided that this was once again my mission for the semester. i needed to shift my focus from what i wanted to get out of the experience to how god could be glorified instead. specifically how could i demonstrate god’s love to the kids at my sites.

and these kids need love. some of these kids are ostracized by their fellow schoolmates, teachers, and family members. some of these kids have realized that others don’t have the same struggles that they do and that they are some how different. some of these kids simply lack hope.

since i have re-embraced this whole loving for christ bit my perspective has changed regarding my practicum (who would of thunk) and i am quite enjoying certain aspects of my situation that i absolutely thought were unbearable before.

sadly (or wonderfully depending on who you are talking to), this whole situation has further confirmed the constant lack of faith in my life. but also it has demonstrated the unwavering perseverance of the lord.

god is so good and constant in his love. hopefully this experience will grant me some faithfulness during the troublesome moments that lie ahead.

Then the Garmin said: Recalculating

Constantly I feel road blocked. It seems like just as soon as I turn around from the last closure, I take another path that further leads me astray from my destination.

Sorry for the terrible metaphor. Needless to say I am struggling. Even though I consciously strive to embrace God’s will for my life and attempt to become content in the beauty that is around me, I still come up wanting.

Prayer has become my only comfort. But even that requires striving and imagining the impossible. For prayer is a matter of faith. It is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. It is hard.

Hopefully through prayer I will begin to perceive the things that I have failed to see. Maybe I will begin to understand the roadblocks in my life. Recalculating...